my life, a work-in-progress

I feel like the world is moving at warp speed, while I'm perched on the sidelines watching. And waiting. I guess some things just work out for some people, while the rest have to work a bit harder and wait a little longer. I get it.

Every night there's that small glimmer of hope that what I did in the day would have crystallised into something solid, and measurable. I work hard. I listen harder, I resist harder. I try to please the impossible. I try to level with the rigid. I learn from mistakes. I change. He wasn't happy when I said that the other day, so I say something else. She wasn't too pleased when I didn't do that the other day, so I do it this time. But at the end of the day, nothing ever changes, I'm back to where it started. At the end of the day, we are still a bunch of rigid, bitter and unforgiving souls, hovering over old baggage, with less to smile and much to grumble about.

I am trying to make things happen for me here. For things to freaking crystallise. Because I'm still young and agile and happy, and because if not now, then when? But I feel anchored. I think I listen too much to the words from the wise. It is them and their uninvited opinions and their self-righteous ideologies. Of what's right and wrong. Of how humans should only be of a certain breed, and a certain kind. Their words keep me anchored.

No, I don't have it all figured out. I am clueless than ever, but it'd be nice if they'd shut up and allow me to take this chance and allow for my dreams to crystallise. Like sand into pearls? Or like milk into cheese, please?

For now I've got nothing to offer at the coffee table because everything is still work-in-progress. But, check back soon.

lost and found

Over the years, I've lost so many things - friends, lovers, phone numbers, polly pockets, earrings. To date, I think I own more one-half of earrings than those that still exist in a pair. Surely, some losses were more painful than others, but in retrospect, I know now that the greater losses were for good reasons and some were definitely good riddance.

But what I find though, while it is okay to lose your marbles once in a while, or a strand of hair or two, or to simply lose - period, it is never okay to lose perspective. To attain one is a challenge, but to maintain it is a whole different story altogether. It's like.... finding the perfect man. Ok hands up, I have drifted away from the sidelines on several occassions, but whatever force that pulled me back on track, I am forever grateful for you. The fundamentals however - what I want, what I believe in, what I thought were ridiculous or impossible from the onset have all stayed with me - except that now my reasons for them speak in greater volume.

KL is teaching me life's little lessons - lessons they should really have taught in high school but didn't, like Living with Authoritarians and How (Not) To Deal With Non-Punctuality. Like today, I learned what to answer to your mom when she's yelling over the phone about how you're never home, when in reality you've been spending all your time at Borders, trying to finish a good book. Lesson learned - you don't. You just keep on reading.

I'm in a place where I haven't been before. It's a wholesome feeling this one. But it's all a big old circus over here. And I'm just afraid I might lose myself again.