allow me this

Nothing feels like inadequacy... like inadequacy does.

Nothing feels more like shit, to see the rest of the world living each day with much progress, when you're beating yourself up, struggling.... just struggling to break even.

As they say, misery loves company. But i want to be selective of this company. He/She must think alike and feel like. We let ourselves drown in each other's stories, simply being comforted by the fact that, we are not alone.

I think good friendships are not given enough credit. They are always that first, and sometimes last, solution you seek, when everything else in this world has given up on you. It could be at 3 am in the morning, in between meetings or breast feeding, cross continents.... but this friendship will always make time and space for you.

I always thought that I need more "normal" in my life, so i too could be more normal. Turns out, birds of the same kind flock together. Turns out, I am better in the company of the "dark & twisty". Because when you and I speak the same language, laugh and cry at the same things, there is nobody else who understands the true joys and aches of your heart, but each other :)

But life is what is fated out to be. We only plan, but Allah has the final say. Allah knows what is best. I recognise that. Grievances aside, I acknowledge that.

But tonight, allow me this. In this final minutes of the night, allow me this space to grief. After this, I am going to scream in a pillow, and hopefully noone can hear me. And hopefully, i would get really tired from the screaming, and will have nothing else to do, but get into hours and hours of uninterrupted, nightmare-free, restful sleep.

Nite.