disabled

I don't drive. As a matter of fact, I can't drive. It's not like I do not know how to, I do. (I had a probational license once but forgot to convert it to full and left it for too long and now the priobational license is void, which means I have to take the exams all over again). I mean, if you were to put me in a car in a circuit, if you taught me well, my driving skills would be comparable to that of Schumacher. But put me in a car in any busy street in the city, and my brain would just stop functioning automatically, my hands and feet would freeze and I just wish I could close my eyes, with my foot on the accelerator, praying with all my might that I won't hit anyone, or anything.

Some people can't carry a tune or kick a ball, but I can't seem to work the magic of the four-wheeled box. Two separate incidents with a neighbour's gate and a trash-can have managed to scar me for life and stripped off my confidence on the road completely. Somehow, I've managed to live with this 'disability' all these years. And I have been lucky to have such wonderful and understanding friends and family who have been ever so willing to drive me around this whole time.

But now that I'm back for good, my luck is running on empty and much expectations have been raised amongst family and friends that this 'disability' won't be around for much longer. I have as a matter of fact registered myself into a driving school and the soonest that I can start is sometime after Raya. In the mean time, I have to bear the grief I get from the boyfriend and mother everyday (!) about having to drive me around, which is mounting and borderline annoying. If you ask me, if you can't be asked to drive me around, then you'll have to be okay about not seeing me for awhile, and you'll have to learn to work the ATM machine on your own. Simple!

I make a pledge to the stars and the trees tonight that I will try with all my might to learn how to drive. And I pray to God for the courage and patience to become a skilled Malaysian driver and the power to read the minds of reckless rempits whenever necessary. Let's raise a toast to KL traffic and the much anticipated road rage! =)

home

Mantra
One of the best advice I got before leaving London was, "do not go home and be that kid you once were 7 years ago." Although a little vague, I can't deny it's relevance. I think it means that I'm a big girl now and I'm capable of making my own decisions. I guess when you've been brought up and surrounded by authoritarians all your life, you tend to forget that you're entitled to such a right. And often I compromise that right in fear of disobeying the authoritarians.

She has probably seen enough, heard enough or she sees more coming - hence the words of wisdom? Those words have been my mantra lately - hey I need to do what I can to ensure my sanity stays intact and my right is duly exercised. So if you see me on the streets, chanting some gibberish and getting into some sort of a trance, let me be - that's just me giving myself the occassional reminder.

Sahur conversations
At home, sahur is the noisiest time of day. So much to talk about, so much to laugh about. Sigh, dad and his stupid jokes. But somehow, our sahur conversations have become a little heavy as of late. Early this morning, my dad dropped it like a bomb. So where do you see yourself in the next 10 years? How do you answer something like that? If it was an interview, surely I could fudge something up, but coming from my dad!? I didn't answer it too well, fumbled and paused a lot. I think dad grew impatient and it was within that few minutes of waiting, that he decided that it was acceptable to plan my next 10 years for me.

I want you to become the [insert job title - say bean-counter for the purpose of this entry]. Not any bean-counter, THE bean-counter.

Stumped.

Aaahhh, don't you just love that feeling? The feeling of being robbed off of your ability to choose and decide and being set a lifetime goal by somebody else? Pfft, forget what I want and what I believe in. Forget those years where I've demonstrated independence and my ability to think for myself. Only yesterday, I was getting excited about life, thinking the world's my oyster and my life's a super drugstore, being spoilt for choice and all that bullshit. And then bam! Came this brick wall ahead of me which rendered all of that irrelevant. Only 6 days in, and I already have much to not look forward to.

And no, I didn't argue with him. You never argue with an authoritarian. I lost my appetite to eat and for many hours after that, I found myself lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense out of what was said. Trying to decide what is best for my future. But wait a minute, that's already been done for me.

I started chanting the mantra. Over and over again, until the morning rays started to pierce through my bedroom curtains. And then, finally I fell asleep.

thnks fr th mmrs (vn th thy wrn't s grt)

Given the current unstable economic climate, rising bills, house price falls, job cuts in the city, inflation etc., the time has come for me to do the sensible thing and.......hang up my calculator, laugh in the face of recession and embrace unemployment. Hahahahahaha.

Today is my last day with the employer. May I take this opportunity to thank the following people who have contributed to making the past 3 years an enjoyable and a rewarding experience. Definitely an experience like no other.

=)