back to the rudiments

Today I thought of the days when I was a child. Of that time when I was playing ‘Superman’ with my brother and by accident broke mom's flower vase. I said no word about it – I just hid the pieces in another bigger vase, thinking that that was the right thing to do. But that was before I learned of honesty.

And then I thought of many more moments when I was a child. Like birthday parties. I would bawl and cower at the sight of clowns, and would sit at the outer layer of the semi-circle so that I don't have to be close to that yellow-haired beanpole with that red nose. And because of that, I was never picked to pin the tail to that donkey, nor was I picked to throw in the 4th ball when he was already juggling three. But that was before I learned of being brave. And at my 6th birthday party, not only was there a clown, there were two!

And I remember the time when I asked my mom if she could draw ‘God’ for me on a piece of paper and got agitated when she said she couldn’t. That was before I learned of faith. And of that time when I would not eat broccolis or attend Taekwando on my own. That was before I learned of taking chances.

And I also remember the times when I wouldn't talk to that boy who was nick-named 'burn' and 'oven' for reasons which may be obvious to some. That was before I learned that the superficial doesn't matter. And of the times when I used to call my brother names (but he called me names first!) That was before I learned that you don't do/say mean things to the people you love.

20 years later and I'm all grown up. Things that have happened around me continue to escalate by bigger proportions and the challenges within it are of much bigger scale. Today, I am supposedly a lot wiser, stronger, more willing to take chances and...more of an adult. Or am I?

But why do I often catch myself in moments where I could have made better by dealing with them with a little sense of maturity. Like an adult. A lot of times, I screw things up because of my behaviour and rationale which are comparable to that of a typical 6-year old. I question/do/answer things with this pea of a brain. I make the same mistakes. I make uneducated opinions and question the idea of faith all over again.

On this day: I love my broccolis more than ever. Surely, my faith in Him is what keeps my head up high, but my faith in people and in many other things have diminished to shameful levels. When was the last time I really took a chance in life? All I do is play safe. When was the last time I braved through a difficult moment, without faltering? I am not always honest, I am still deluded by the superficial, and I still do/say mean things to those that I love. And truth be told, them clowns still send shivers down my spine.

So after all these years, did I ever learn?

I guess after all these years of growing up, there will always be a tad of immaturity left in me. No candles on a birthday cake or a pension fund can ever get rid of that. Right now, like a boisterous kid, I feel like running and screaming and crying and then sit down and stay only 5 inches from the TV. I want my mommy! =(