do the limbo

All rise.

At many points tonight I felt like I was dragged to the stand, sat before a myriad of indifferent, yet pretentiously compassionate listeners, impatiently waiting for an answer. My answer. It seems like they can no longer live on speculations they've made about me. I've been wronged apparently for not divulging enough. From how I see it, they don't want to hear the things I have to say, they want to hear something else. And at every point where I was posed the array of questions - I remember the prosecutor, arms folded, tousled hair, cynical smile - my only response was: 'I don't know. I don't know.'

I have never been more honest. So help me God. All I have to say is stick to your speculations, they're probably just as good as mine.

Adjourned.

*

My mind often escapes my body. It drifts so far away that sometimes I confuse myself with the real and unreal. This morning after a few minutes of putting my brain on the treadmill with Sudoku, my thoughts just drifted away. To a place by the beach, under the stars - I remember hot chocolate and vanilla latte. And I remember the stars aligning in an odd way. And out of nowhere, came four gentlemen to serenade, and I didn't even have to lift a finger. And I remember the sounds of the waves hitting the rocks and I remember not minding the silence between us at all. Man, that felt real.

And that's when I realised I had two '4's in a row. Damn!

*

Last night I took a walk down the infamous Westbourne Terrace. Infamous in my eyes, for its sweet-sounding traffic noises it makes at 2 a.m, the yellow leaves on the sidewalk, and that infamous lady pedestrian who loves to walk her dog in the mornings and who should really start wearing a bra. Especially in the mornings.

It was one of those walks with no destination. The last time I did this was in February. It's just my way of putting things in perspective you see. But that is what I tell people. What it really is, is just my way of satisfying my penchant for melodrama. Well, same difference.

It's a much needed walk I'd say. Especially when your life's been handed a big, fat nudge lately. And that can mean a good thing.

Ok, so let's take stock, shall we? If this goes here, and that gets pushed back there, and this stays, and if I give that a choice, and bla the bla.... By the end of it, nothing much came out of it. Except for the revelation that comparing myself now to what I was then would be like putting a plastic bowl of kerang and a bed of fresh oysters on a silver platter side by side. Now, that's perspective.