allow me this

Nothing feels like inadequacy... like inadequacy does.

Nothing feels more like shit, to see the rest of the world living each day with much progress, when you're beating yourself up, struggling.... just struggling to break even.

As they say, misery loves company. But i want to be selective of this company. He/She must think alike and feel like. We let ourselves drown in each other's stories, simply being comforted by the fact that, we are not alone.

I think good friendships are not given enough credit. They are always that first, and sometimes last, solution you seek, when everything else in this world has given up on you. It could be at 3 am in the morning, in between meetings or breast feeding, cross continents.... but this friendship will always make time and space for you.

I always thought that I need more "normal" in my life, so i too could be more normal. Turns out, birds of the same kind flock together. Turns out, I am better in the company of the "dark & twisty". Because when you and I speak the same language, laugh and cry at the same things, there is nobody else who understands the true joys and aches of your heart, but each other :)

But life is what is fated out to be. We only plan, but Allah has the final say. Allah knows what is best. I recognise that. Grievances aside, I acknowledge that.

But tonight, allow me this. In this final minutes of the night, allow me this space to grief. After this, I am going to scream in a pillow, and hopefully noone can hear me. And hopefully, i would get really tired from the screaming, and will have nothing else to do, but get into hours and hours of uninterrupted, nightmare-free, restful sleep.

Nite.

you learn

This moment right here is a moment to celebrate! It's close to midnight and i'm home alone. Funny when I finally get some time alone, i get into a frenzy trying to figure out what to do next. Do i fluff the pillows (and not have them grabbed, sat on or doubling as a laptop pad within the next 5 minutes), do i light up some scented candles (and not have my husband roll his eyes at that very act), do i soak my feet, do i brew some tea, do i turn on the TV... ooh gee what do i do, what do i do?!

Actually, all that can wait. I think i should just dust off this old, lonely blog for a bit. It has in fact, been awhile :)

I was just telling P, that maybe it is a good thing that i do NOT have a huge pile of cash to sit on, or it will all be spent in all the wrong ways. But IF i ever had access to such cash, the 2 first things that I'd do is 1) Hire myself a human magic 8 ball; someone to make all my life decisions, and 2) Hire myself a shrink; someone to analyse those life decisions with! Wouldn't that be brilliant? My idea of a perfectly complete life!

*

You see, I believe that most of the world's troubles stem from the absence or the inadequacy of... something. Not enough money, not enough perspective, not enough second chances. This inadequacy then paves the way for the aim of better days. Well as for me, i am looking for a formula. Something that can help me serve God, family, friends and workplace at the ultimate perfect balance. And until that day comes, i'm just gonna keep enjoying these sliced bread.

 *

I should really start acting my age. Only 30, barely done much and already i feel the need to impart my "wisdom" to the, well..... less experienced? On marriage, on recognising your potential, and knowing your worth. But please, who needs a nagging big sister?!? Although looking back, i wish there was somebody around to tell me all this stuff which i knew a tad too late. But tonight, i echo the words of Ms. Morisette, "you live, you learn".

Anyway, turning in. So much for a late night Suits marathon.

Morning traffic, we meet again. 

it is okay

life just threw a curveball at me. but that's okay. i'll get up in no time. i will continue to be in disbelief for awhile. the more i try to make sense of what happened, the more i learn of the greatness of Allah and the more small i feel. hopefully, soon enough, the great lesson from it all will become clear to me.

i have been blessed with great company though. lucky me. their words of encouragement are endless and i have their shoulders on loan for an indefinite period. while those may cushion the fall, at night, sometimes you can't help but feel so, so alone. because share, split, slice, cut or dice as you may, nobody truly gets it. sometimes your pain, is your pain alone.

i am okay where i am. just a little unsure of how to move forward.

we are soldiers

you have probably once turned your back against love. against life. vowing to yourself to never fall in love again, to never work hard ever again. because you have tried relentlessly, but in the end it only brings you despair.

well, look at you now. probably still working on the same thing you once almost gave up doing. probably at your umpteenth attempt at perfecting what you're learning - like on your meringue, or merengue. probably married to the one love you almost turned your back against, building a family, caring for it, nurturing it. an evidence to show that you were never really close to giving up at all.

because that is who we are. or what we are. stubborn.

of course there are nights where you get carried away on an emotional streak, and you make a promise to yourself, to stop being you. to stop trying to please people too much, to stop caring, to stop feeling. but you see, what the hell does that even mean? where would i even start if i really wanted to do that?

primarily, we are stubborn. no matter how much the brain says no, this little organ in your body, this lump of meat slightly fixated to the left of your abdomen, which is apparently, the chief of all other organs, insists on taking over. at the end of the day, whatever it says, goes.

we are soldiers. we only take orders from the one chief that rules all - the heart.

537

I did it again.

Logged on to blogger, typed in a few lines, backspace, a few more lines and then backspace, backspace. I don't know how and I don't know when I will ever find that "pump" to write again. Sigh.

Well, till next time...