nowhere close

I am not even close - to that big, fat dream I painted of myself not too long ago. Dare I think that I almost had it all figured out. Unfortunately for some, no human is an island. And plans often come in pairs. And some plans are precedents to or dependent on somebody else's plans. So until other people's plans take off, mine cannot. And vice versa. Like chicken and egg.

*

It's the biggest misconception to have people think that I need people to hold my hand through everything. Because I don't need people to hold my hand through everything. I could live in complete solitary. Like a monk. And be independent, or whatever. Just to prove a point. But why should I? Plus, I am finally with a car and am able to get around on my own. And nothing spells out independence more than that. And nothing spells out liberation more than that. So I too, can now say, with some attitude if I may add, "Oh, I'm sorry. I don't feel like seeing you today. Because I am just too tired from all the driving around."

*

I want a vacay in Cabo. A tall order. Okay, I'll settle for much less - just some time alone with the DVDs.

What is it about this thing that makes it so bloody complicated? Everybody, and I literally mean everybody is doing it, so it cannot be rocket science. Granted - it is one of life's greatest gambles, and like most things, there is a 50-50 chance that it works out or doesn't work out. Like a flip of a coin. Or a true/false question. Or hitting a jackpot. Some people could have sworn it was written in the stars in the beginning, only to learn otherwise many years later. And some were lucky enough to have experienced glorious and blissful years, a decision made purely based on a flip of a coin.

So what do I do? In a world where promises are meant to be broken, and change is inevitable. And in a world where mistakes are supposedly a learning tool, and men have two heads, and women's goods after awhile just start to sag. What do I do?

Fudge. This has been plaguing my mind like a bad song that won't go away.

I don't want answers. I've been waiting for them my whole life and they never came. Nor do I want assurances. They never quite did much for the heart or the mind.